If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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