Just fell off a train. Bad.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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