I wish my penis had an off switch
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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