I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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