i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
