Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i now understand why vodka
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment