Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.