your parents love me but you hate me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.