how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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