this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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