you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
No subtext here. People are naked.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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