I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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