Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
