How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
