Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
