ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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