I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
