Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
