and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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