This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
A+ Viking dick
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