Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
PANTIES FOUND
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