Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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