i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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