I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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