you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
