Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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