DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
