I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
