it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
