I accidentally had phone sex last night
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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