My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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