i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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