my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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