I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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