that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
