At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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