He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
