I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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