My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
