Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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