all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
