maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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