I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
