I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
