every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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