true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
