I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
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I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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