just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
