I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
