Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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