Already got asked if we're dating
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize