Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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