In the future we'll all be gay
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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