Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
