Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
