DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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