i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
