At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
