Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
