Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
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EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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